Doubt

When I look back on life’s greatest struggles or deepest moments of strife, I remember how my innocent faith in a universal source always seemed to guide me back towards my path. At the time my belief in God mirrored that of a child, fearful but completely in awe of the sheer magnitude of power this Being exuded, and who seemed to care for me despite a deep sense of unworthiness on my part. Forever hopeful I was, and comfortable in the ignorance of “grown up problems” which, at the time I felt completely helpless in managing.

And though comforting, those memories left me to struggle many years later with my will to succeed coupled with a crippling fear of abandonment. There’s something in me that wonders if, now that I know better, I should somehow be able to manage my future and direct the outcomes by smart thinking and logical choices. Consequently, I abandoned the belief that God’s Will still directed my life.

It is in these moments that I must remember that these new struggles somehow coexist within an ocean of wisdom in knowing that, (1) I have a choice to make the right decision for me, but (2) still lean on the silent direction of the universe, and (3) know that it never stops nudging me toward a brighter future.

When new obstacles arrive, a part of me feels more terrified partly due to newfound knowledge; but I am reminded that my task is now to aid the creation of my reality, not with knowledge alone but with prudent choices supplemented by faith in an unseen force that permits wisdom, which I have accumulated throughout the years, to materialize into my heaven on earth.

For this is not the time that I am abandoned; as the poem Footprints in the Sand echoes, “…it was then that I carried you…”. I am reminded daily that, though I have experience, I am not forgotten, and while I am a stronger, I still need the help only found in thoughtful prayer and quiet meditation. I realize that I’m still cared for and guided regardless of how much I think I know.

I’m still worth fighting for, and that invisible force, which has always been present and loving, fills me with the strength to constantly seek the brighter future that, in my soul, I know I am capable of.

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