That over-demonstrative internal dialogue that makes me think quite honestly, and in these times especially, that I could very well have multiple personalities. On a sidenote, in the shower and while putting on make-up are times when I have these philosophical debates with myself. However, with all mental health kidding aside, I still come back to the original question, when do I stop jumping on this joyride called a love affair?
I guess it would only be fair for me to start from the beginning, or better yet, at the onset of the romance. And in this phase, I never think about how it will be when it doesn’t work out. Repeatedly, history has shown me that my timeline of relationships do not have what I consider, longevity. One would think with my history, that would be the first question I would consider when entering into another commitment. But not me, I jump in, with what seems like both feet. I never once consider the latter.
This realization surprised me today, and as usual, I was in the middle of some deep soul searching. In other words, I was putting on my make-up. While doing so, I was somewhat shocked when I realized that I never consider those relationships, at least in the beginning, NOT working out. And then I wondered, why has it never “worked out”? I use quotes here for those of you who have different standards / ideas of what constitutes “working out”. Another side note – for those of you out there that are hopelessly romantic, I see you jumping up and down beaming with joy that there is “still another one of us out there!”. I don’t suppose that I’ve ever considered myself a hopeless romantic. Maybe THAT should be subject for another blog-dejur, but that will be another day, no doubt.
So here I am, just getting out of a relationship, and I am already talking to an ex-boyfriend of mine which seems to help comfort my very heavy heart right now. And although I have done everything in my power to reassure him that I am in no position to start dating again, I so enjoy his affections towards me. I feel as if there is something within me that lies and says that this will be different than all the other times. I will somehow avoid the pain of another broken relationship; when in reality, history would tell me otherwise. Honestly, that thought right there is what stopped me in my tracks today while putting on my make-up.
Why do I keep putting myself here in this place? Why do I dwell in this uncertain landscape of relationship battleground, and how long can I keep this up?
What is it within me that blindly purses another relationship, and how after all this time do I feel so naïve?
All good questions, you might say. All good stuff to mull over in my new-found free time these days. Ha. Ha. I guess when I come to understand the dynamics behind my relentless pursuit of relationship utopia, that will become the subject of my next BlO(o)ger Of The Day. Until then, I wish you much joy, lots of learning, and happy day-dreaming for all you out there.